C.O.C.P. Monthly Motivational “Fatherhood…Where’s the f*ckin joy eh?"

The Cypha Omni Comedy Podcast can be found on Stitcher, itunes, podOmatic, & youtube

Cypha Omni Comedy Podcast
"Monthly Motivational"

“Fatherhood…Where‘s the f*ckin joy eh?”

    Ah, the joys of parenting.  Un-flushed toilets, swallowed toothpaste caps, endless loads of laundry, crayola montages of Sponge Bob & Dora on the walls, after school activities, 3 month old cereal bowls under the bed, the bringing home of colds, flu’s, and Amy showed her tanky during show & tell.  Most of our children, safe to say, are exposed to more shit than we can ever imagine these days, through the un-driven force of mainly the internet, movies, & music.  So where do we draw the line?

    Call me a bad father, but in some cases I don’t.  My name may be Omni, but I’m not omnipresent, so how the hell are we able to monitor our kids 24-7, 365 1/4th’s days out of the year?  We cant.  That’s why I will be campaigning & emailing out petitions this November to obtain my own U.S. drone just for spying on my bad ass clan of puberty filled, think they’re grown miscreants.  Seriously, if you have a open line of communication with them, which I encourage, they will come up to you & ask you some of the most ridiculous shit, some things I just figured out myself about sex within the last 6 months!  Damn your in the 4th grade, what do you mean your teacher has had DP?  Its on youtube!?  Now if the teachers hot, maybe you can let that one slide especially if your 4th graders a boy, or you want your daughter to go lesbian, but honestly, children are subject to way more misinformation, or too early information before they see they're first tax return. 

    Its incredible, & sometimes down right unthinkable, to know what our children are exposed to, so its no wonder when they get to the phase of talking back before slapping their faces into micro-particles, they’ll on occasion throw us for a loop with a rebuttal you only found out later they got from an episode of iCarly or Family Guy.  What now besides beating that ass?

    Call me old fashioned, but I go Major Payne on that behind with a mixture of Pretty Boy Floyd just to add to the excitement. Jab to the jaw, then pimp walk out their room yelling money team!  This most of the time goes into play when Lady N is played against me or visa versa, or I have to say NO more than once.  Who said “because I said so” isn’t a good enough excuse for your children?  Shit, let the cops pull these future idiots over & arrest them.  Think they’ll get an explanation then?  9 times out of 10, probably not until you see that grumpy old fart with a penis pump behind his podium Monday morning.

    Its going to be up to us to set the record straight with our children.  Since they’re exposed to so much reality, if you’re a parent with half a brain they are & not sheltering them into pussies for the world to devour, then give them some hard knocks of life at home.  Beating a lot of kids nowadays wont do the trick as hard headed as some of them are, but lord forbid you take away their iphone, DS, or ipod, it might as well be Armageddon to their pagan influenced adolescent world. Hell, make them do some good, back breaking, old school chores like change the water heater out of grandmas attic, or sweep the carpet with a half bristled broom.  What happened to those days?  Mop the floor with a rag & bleach water.  Sit on the porch under some shade with headphones & a ice cold glass of water as they whine while mowing the lawn in August.  Get on their facebook pages & post pictures of them cleaning up their bio level 5 of a room for their friends to see.  You call it mean, I call it parenting.

    On a serious note, don’t hesitate to let your children know you do love them, & not just at bed time.  Its ok to hug them too.  Many of today’s youth have it pretty rough.  Most homes are single parent homes, most of the time dads not around, sucks as an example, or lacks the brass to be responsible, which makes it even more difficult to raise your kids, especially if you’re the step parent.  Some situations are forced, but most aren’t.  That’s not to say to friend your kids, but be authoritative, yet knowing when to shatter their ear drums before a WWE beat down, or when to just sit & talk about whatever may be on their under developed, half a cranial hemispherical, think they know it all minds.  Establish a ground for a balance of both.  Doing activities together I’ve learned has had a big plus in establishing & maintaining a sense of where they are mentally & emotionally, & keeps communication pretty open.  Even cleaning together, even if your drill sergeanting that ass in the process, eventually breaks some ice & gets those little flappers flowing, of course after they bitch & a ass whooping at times.  Eat at the table as a family, ask about their day, see what little Johnny meant when he told your daughter to ‘blow his poison.’  Find out what that BS means, & explain why phrases like that will get a foot so far up that ass, doctors & surgical teams will have to amputate your leg up to the hip as they lay in their kiddy casket funny.

    Bottom line, take time out to really get to know the demon spawns your once young, dumb, adolescent self made.  Constant frustration is the key to failure.  When those moments happen, there’s a time to fill your hand with baby powder & pimp slap them in front of target, & a time to let it slide so they can bust their ass & come back crying to you as you yell I told you so while grabbing the belt to finish the job.