Episode 22 with Lady N

Ridiculous late night episode with me & my other crazy half Lady N.  We talk about the legalization of marijuana, December 21st 2012, Don Ray Walton’s inspired message to the human race about the coming of aliens from aliens, the supernatural, our game plan for the zombie apocalypse, bonus recording of Lady N’s list of things she’d do to me if she were to die first & haunt me, how aluminum foil is your best defense against alien invaders, & much more.  This is a new recording format we’re trying out that’s still a little buggy, so forgive us from the 25min mark through to the 28min mark, the sound gets muffled after I asked Lady N to man the controls, & well, you know haha!
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Episode 21 (Guest on Nick McEwen's InSpace Podcast)

Cypha Omni joins us for a drunken episode, plus a sneak peak at Nick McEwen & The 33s new recording of "I Know Nothing" set to release Dec 22nd 2012........

Thanks to Nick & the whole InSpace podcast crew, also available on itunes & youtube

"Cypha Omni" Comedy Podcast on stitcher/itunes/youtube

C.O.C.P. Monthly Motivational “If the world has you by the throat, knee it in the jewels!"

The Cypha Omni Comedy Podcast can be found on Stitcher, itunes, podOmatic, & youtube

Cypha Omni Comedy Podcast
"Monthly Motivational"

“If the world has you by the throat, knee it in the jewels!”

     Now ill be the first one to admit that life often sucks a bag of dicks.  It was brought to my attention not long ago by my brother, Bloody Hands, that life is cylindrical. A cycle standing vertically.  This can be seen in every law in nature.  Moving bodies of rock, metal, & ice spin around in a giant vortex of stars & galactic matter, spiraling around super massive black holes, all the way down to when you flush your tampons & toilet paper.  The point he was making, sometimes your on top, but expect the unexpected things that life flings at you to knock you down.  Whether its financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, were all involved in this infinite cycle of ups  & downs.  The question now remains, once you obtain this realization & enlightenment, what next?  Just expect to be shit on?  Kicked while your down?  In my opinion, yes & no.

    I was always taught growing up as well as through experiences, to always make it a point to laugh no matter how fucked your day is, & to never let the stress of things that are beyond your control consume you in a quick-sandish quagmire of fresh compost, just waiting to fill your life with more blended gallons of cow patties to deal with. A lot of times we hear people preach about being optimistic, positive energy, fill your time with hobbies you enjoy, yada yada yada.  But who has time right?  Job, kids, animals, bills,  etc. I don’t know if you feel like me or not, but I don’t have time to take yoga & pottery sculpting to sooth my spirits.  On the flip side, we make time to drink, smoke, bullshit around.

    Why not take that time you planned on hitting the bar with your buddies, and hit the gym an hour or two before you guys hook up?  Take that jiu-jitsu class you’ve been blowing off, even if its just one night a week?  Why is it wherever our happiness lye’s , we lack to make enough time for it, or no time at all?  The problem with us, especially in America, is many of us our guilty of not being as productive, goal oriented, or try to take on way too much at any one given  time, me included.  Prioritizing, simplicity, determination.  All these things & more play a severe role in how we handle each day, especially in a world designed to keep us trapped, manipulated, & in some cases abused by a system of laws that leave a mass majority of us fucked off.  News, media, entertainment, all depict a vivid portrayal of what life should be, what your life should look like, & anything less is a failure.  I look at it like this, just because your broke, doesn’t make you poor, & just because you may be a millionaire, doesn’t make you rich.

    Now I’m not the most spiritual man in the world, but I believe some holy texts when it says things along the line of ‘put your trust in god’ & staying positive, do onto others what you want done to you, and your rewards will be a lot greater in the afterlife because all the things we suffer from in this world is merely a test & temporary.  Whether this is true or not, we’re all going to find out some day, but until then, what are we left to do?

    Life sometimes seems like a series of guessing games, moods, unforeseen events, & tragedies.  I know for me, some days are harder to wear a smile on my face than others, which makes it a daily process to find the positives in your day.  Take time out to look around, thank the higher powers that be, & appreciate the people & little things we all take for granted.  Air, sun, the fall/winter colors in the sky, your woman when she bends over in a thong, your child knocking out someone for the first time, all these things are beautiful.

    I know I’m not perfect by a long shot, & very guilty as much as anyone else for not always having a positive outlook on things.  It seems easier to reside in darkness. Sometimes I want to say fuck it all, grab me & wife a one way ticket to hobo-ville & become Native American hippies, smoke hash, have a threesome with peyote, & become a tie die activist who lives off traveling like David Carradine teaching people Martial Arts & Jeet Kune Do philosophies. But where’s the reality in that?

    Being alive today isn’t easy, but think about how shitty being alive just a couple centuries ago was?  No internet, no phone, no facebook, strip clubs & dildos, no ER so whatever plague came along such as chicken pocks & common colds, guess what, dirt nap.  No running water, no showers, toothpaste, or shaved monkeys.  Now you may be thinking, Cyph I feel you man but I live in 2012 mofo!  Yes, yes we do, but we’ve got it a lot better than many other unfortunate countries that are also in 2012.  Being insensitive to this fact automatically means your lost, unappreciative, spoiled, & need some old school rain fire & brimstone down from the sky humbling that Sodom & Gomorrah got.  Whatever you appreciate this morning, can be gone this evening, & some of us cant live with the thought of the last thing you may have said or done to that person was negative, half hearted, or you didn’t give your all when giving him the last blow job hell ever have before getting t-boned by an alien spacecraft on the way to working the night shift, & instead of reporting to your boss, your looking at St. Peter & his pimpness.

    I, more than anyone, has to continue to check myself, my attitude, constantly, because no matter how much I bitch, moan, & complain, feel shit isn’t fair, I look at my family & realize, I’ve been blessed with a second chance at it, try to always do your best, & if your best isn’t enough, accept what you cant contain or control, & keep mushing on, learn in the process, & try to better the next day.  Life likes to slang dick without astroglide, & will submit you, ONLY if you let it happen.  But you might also be thinking, Cyph, the more I put up a fight, the more life fights back & bites me in the ass. DUH! Just like fighting your ex, if you call him ugly, most likely, he’s going to call you ugly, followed by being a emotional bitch who cant function with a hot dog to go with your buns.  Sounds like life?  Hey, you punch someone in the face, expect them to punch you back, unless you knock that sucker out, then on to the next fight.

    Yes ladies & gentlemen, life is a constant battle. If the world has you by the throat, knee it in the jewels! Has you in a choke hold, head butt that asshole until its nose explodes, or you both have cranial fractures. Compare it to drops of water, trickling against a large stone or rock.  Eventually over time, even those weak drips of water will eat through the stone, & open up new flood gates of adventures. You win some & you lose some, but living to fight another day, goes from being bittersweet to being a champion in your own world of realization, inner peace, & broader perception.

Episode 20 with Nerve / Chilla Jones vs. JC (URLTV)

A split podcast with returning guest Nerve from Sharp State of Mind Radio, touching on different aspects of battle rapping, UFC, weed, & more. The 2nd half right at the 30min mark, Chilla Jones vs. JC from the URL. In my opinion the hottest battle all year.

“Cypha Omni” Comedy Podcast on Stitcher/itunes/youtube

Episode 19 with my Dad & Chris (Pt.2 of 2)

If you thought part 1 was bad, strap in for part 2, with my Dad on his birthday. The more beer, the more bizarre. We talk about everything from bad ass kids, “black comedy,” complaints about his wife (my mom) and the condition of society. Oh, to all you Paul Gilmartin and Paul Thorn fans, this ones for you.

“Cypha Omni” Comedy Podcast on Stitcher/itunes/youtube

Episode 18 with my Dad & Chris (Pt.1 of 2)

I drop in on my Dad on his 51st birthday, doing what we do, sitting out in the driveway like Friday, talking shit, raising hell about any and everything. Discussions on weed, beer, comedians, actors, racial profiling, women, you name it, we went there. Now you'll get a taste of where I get most of my A.D.D. insanity from. Part 2 gets a hell of a lot worse haha. Happy birthday Pop!

"Cypha Omni" Comedy Podcast on Stitcher/itunes/youtube

C.O.C.P. Monthly Motivational “Fatherhood…Where’s the f*ckin joy eh?"

The Cypha Omni Comedy Podcast can be found on Stitcher, itunes, podOmatic, & youtube

Cypha Omni Comedy Podcast
"Monthly Motivational"

“Fatherhood…Where‘s the f*ckin joy eh?”

    Ah, the joys of parenting.  Un-flushed toilets, swallowed toothpaste caps, endless loads of laundry, crayola montages of Sponge Bob & Dora on the walls, after school activities, 3 month old cereal bowls under the bed, the bringing home of colds, flu’s, and Amy showed her tanky during show & tell.  Most of our children, safe to say, are exposed to more shit than we can ever imagine these days, through the un-driven force of mainly the internet, movies, & music.  So where do we draw the line?

    Call me a bad father, but in some cases I don’t.  My name may be Omni, but I’m not omnipresent, so how the hell are we able to monitor our kids 24-7, 365 1/4th’s days out of the year?  We cant.  That’s why I will be campaigning & emailing out petitions this November to obtain my own U.S. drone just for spying on my bad ass clan of puberty filled, think they’re grown miscreants.  Seriously, if you have a open line of communication with them, which I encourage, they will come up to you & ask you some of the most ridiculous shit, some things I just figured out myself about sex within the last 6 months!  Damn your in the 4th grade, what do you mean your teacher has had DP?  Its on youtube!?  Now if the teachers hot, maybe you can let that one slide especially if your 4th graders a boy, or you want your daughter to go lesbian, but honestly, children are subject to way more misinformation, or too early information before they see they're first tax return. 

    Its incredible, & sometimes down right unthinkable, to know what our children are exposed to, so its no wonder when they get to the phase of talking back before slapping their faces into micro-particles, they’ll on occasion throw us for a loop with a rebuttal you only found out later they got from an episode of iCarly or Family Guy.  What now besides beating that ass?

    Call me old fashioned, but I go Major Payne on that behind with a mixture of Pretty Boy Floyd just to add to the excitement. Jab to the jaw, then pimp walk out their room yelling money team!  This most of the time goes into play when Lady N is played against me or visa versa, or I have to say NO more than once.  Who said “because I said so” isn’t a good enough excuse for your children?  Shit, let the cops pull these future idiots over & arrest them.  Think they’ll get an explanation then?  9 times out of 10, probably not until you see that grumpy old fart with a penis pump behind his podium Monday morning.

    Its going to be up to us to set the record straight with our children.  Since they’re exposed to so much reality, if you’re a parent with half a brain they are & not sheltering them into pussies for the world to devour, then give them some hard knocks of life at home.  Beating a lot of kids nowadays wont do the trick as hard headed as some of them are, but lord forbid you take away their iphone, DS, or ipod, it might as well be Armageddon to their pagan influenced adolescent world. Hell, make them do some good, back breaking, old school chores like change the water heater out of grandmas attic, or sweep the carpet with a half bristled broom.  What happened to those days?  Mop the floor with a rag & bleach water.  Sit on the porch under some shade with headphones & a ice cold glass of water as they whine while mowing the lawn in August.  Get on their facebook pages & post pictures of them cleaning up their bio level 5 of a room for their friends to see.  You call it mean, I call it parenting.

    On a serious note, don’t hesitate to let your children know you do love them, & not just at bed time.  Its ok to hug them too.  Many of today’s youth have it pretty rough.  Most homes are single parent homes, most of the time dads not around, sucks as an example, or lacks the brass to be responsible, which makes it even more difficult to raise your kids, especially if you’re the step parent.  Some situations are forced, but most aren’t.  That’s not to say to friend your kids, but be authoritative, yet knowing when to shatter their ear drums before a WWE beat down, or when to just sit & talk about whatever may be on their under developed, half a cranial hemispherical, think they know it all minds.  Establish a ground for a balance of both.  Doing activities together I’ve learned has had a big plus in establishing & maintaining a sense of where they are mentally & emotionally, & keeps communication pretty open.  Even cleaning together, even if your drill sergeanting that ass in the process, eventually breaks some ice & gets those little flappers flowing, of course after they bitch & a ass whooping at times.  Eat at the table as a family, ask about their day, see what little Johnny meant when he told your daughter to ‘blow his poison.’  Find out what that BS means, & explain why phrases like that will get a foot so far up that ass, doctors & surgical teams will have to amputate your leg up to the hip as they lay in their kiddy casket funny.

    Bottom line, take time out to really get to know the demon spawns your once young, dumb, adolescent self made.  Constant frustration is the key to failure.  When those moments happen, there’s a time to fill your hand with baby powder & pimp slap them in front of target, & a time to let it slide so they can bust their ass & come back crying to you as you yell I told you so while grabbing the belt to finish the job.